They always say the front row at funerals feels different. I’ve been to a few, but never in the front row. I don’t even remember how I got here—somewhere between the "Are you okay?”s and the "Call anytime you need”s. But I don’t need any of those. I mean, of course, I appreciate it—I really do—but all I want is my sweet Travis back. I miss the sound of his laugh. His beautiful eyes… the eyes that will never look at me again. I miss the sound of his laugh. His beautiful eyes… the eyes that will never look at me again. Okay, back to reality. Everyone is wearing black. I know it’s a funeral thing, but Travis hated black. That’s why my socks are light blue—his favorite color. And it looks like I wasn’t the only one thinking this way.
Next to me sits a guy with at least five blue bracelets. His name is Josh. He is—no, was—Travis’s best friend. But I count him as my friend too. He was with us so many times. Like that time we took him to the fair with us. He is practically family. The ceremony starts. I was asked to deliver a speech. I didn’t write much, I couldn’t bring myself to. I’m crumpling the paper that I wrote the speech on. I’m feeling dizzy again… No… I don’t want to faint again. Josh.He’ll help.
I quickly glance at him but he’s looking at the person currently delivering a speech who I don’t actually know. But then he sees me. We don’t say anything to each other, he just hugs me. I get why Travis valued him so much, he really is a good friend to me and I know he was a great friend to Travis.
I think funerals are only good for one reason. Maybe two. First, all the food and drinks are free, so you don't have to eat the day before or the day after, since you always get some leftovers to take home. No one judges you if you drink six glasses of wine, so you can basically be drunk the entire time. It really is just a party, but you don't go deaf from all the loud music. Second, everyone is dressed in black. You can't deny that a man dressed in black isn't the hottest version of a human being to ever exist. The way they walk around the cemetery with their coats fluttering behind them. And how they slowly play with the top buttons of their shirt, the ones right below the collar, and the way they slowly start to open them once they start getting hot. I almost melt on the spot every time.
Okay, it’s time. That pretty much sums up my thoughts at this moment. As I walk up the stairs to the stage, I clutch the paper like my life depends on it. I was up until 3 AM writing this speech. I know I could talk about Travis for hours and still wouldn’t be able to fully explain what an incredible person he was. And then, there I am—standing in front of the microphone, preparing to say my final goodbye to the man I thought I was going to marry.
The hall falls silent. I open my mouth. Shit. I start reading from my paper. I get through about a paragraph before realizing—this is not how it’s going to end. I lift my eyes from the paper and look around the room. Every single face is familiar. Maybe I met them for coffee. Maybe they were in a photo album, except the detective in the corner, scanning the room with his eyes. And then it hits me.
They’re all looking at me. Come on, woman, say something. My eyes start to water—no, not now. And then, I start talking. Ten minutes later, I’m sitting next to Josh, listening to one of Travis’s colleagues talk about how he was always the life of the party.
I think it was the adrenaline that kept my ability to get ready and arrive at the funeral just in time. I step to Travis’s mother to give her my flowers and not the banana bread that I have rather left at home. I think I sense a little judgment from the way she looks at my outfit – but I like the black dress and the funeral is not the place to overthink that.
I follow the flow of the crowd walking towards the coffin. I haven’t been to a graveyard for a while, since I have been convincing myself that the dead in my family were either gone way before I was born, or I didn't know them well enough to form any sort of meaningful emotional connection with them to miss them or visit their graves. The truth is I am not a reckless bitch and I know I should go to their memorials at least once per year, but the places where people go to publicly show the dead or the living some love or attention deeply haunt me. They feel performative to me. I am a strong believer of treating a soul well when it's alive, so the person feels loved enough in their lifetime instead of giving a bouquet of flowers out of guilt on their graveyard when it's already too late.
Now, after about ten years, I walk into our local graveyard church. Nothing has drastically changed since the last time I can remember – the floor is still coated with ice cold tiles and the warm light coming from the stained glass windows feels very nostalgic to me. As the funeral is about to begin, I find a seat next to someone I don't know, and I wonder how many tears people let drop on these wooden church benches.
Somewhere on the left I notice John's girlfriend – or maybe better said "ex- girlfriend”. Her boyfriend died two weeks ago and she must have been crying every night or so, but her eyes aren't puffy, her cheeks are not bloated and the skin around her nose isn't red. Since I have heard about her dating Josh, I have always felt amazed by her with a mixture of jealousy. Her shoulder-length blonde hair is falling onto her shoulders in perfect waves, not in the curly frizzy way my hair is when I wake up with almost a bird nest on my head. I never envied her relationship with Josh since he and I still stayed in touch, and I was the one who lost feelings first. But still, there is something so primal about seeing a woman who appears to have it all, and being jealous of her. I think about all the women I've ever been jealous of, and if I’ve ever learned something positive from them or if I adopted some of their productive habits. I also wonder if any woman has ever been jealous of me. I end my thinking session when I once again glance around the room and notice a detective standing in the corner. He must have come to see potential suspects. Maybe I'll go up to him after the funeral to apologise for my sudden leaving of the interrogation.
This feels wrong, although I know it’s something I have to do and is part of the investigation, it still feels wrong being at a funeral of someone I don’t feel an ounce of remorse for and don't even know at all. The first and last time I saw Travis was when I was inspecting his dead body with fresh blood trickling out of a giant wound in his stomach, slowly starting to get that rotten smell of a corpse.
But I keep myself from just turning around and going home by telling myself it’s a part of the investigation. I need to get a better look at all of the people Travis surrounded himself with, their characters and their relationships. Although Travis’s family consented to me being here, I still don’t want to be noticed, so I quietly sit in the corner and start to observe things. I must say, this looks like a pretty ordinary funeral, with people dressed in black, family members sobbing and some people giving dull and others heart-warming speeches.
The real fun begins when you begin to observe the people one by one. The first thing I noticed was Travis’s hysterical girlfriend, when I caught a glimpse of light blue socks peeking from under her ankle shoes, which is a really strange thing to wear to a funeral. She gave a speech that was nothing special, and almost fainted again walking off the podium. But when she walked back to her seat I noticed Travis’s friend Josh, who I also interviewed, sitting next to her. Now that I’m looking at him again, I remember how unmemorable he is. The only thing I notice about him today are five bracelets in the same light blue shade that Jannette is wearing, which could just be a really weird coincidence, but the color looks way too specific for it to not be intentional.
All of this makes me start to observe them even more and soon I start to notice things I didn’t see before, like the ever so slight touch of their hands and quick looks they exchange that are full of emotions I can’t quite pin down. This really throws me off the bat since I’ve never seen them together in the same room and can only now see what kind of dynamic they have. I’ve been so absorbed in studying their relationship that I don’t realize how much I've been staring until Jannette starts to look around for a bit and I quickly look away, pretending to watch someone else.
And someone else does catch my attention. It’s Travis’s ex-girlfriend, who is also the only other person I interrogated besides his friend, and so I feel like I have a bit more of an insight on her personality. She doesn’t seem fazed at all. She’s sitting in a row somewhere in the middle of the church, just looking straight ahead with empty eyes. I can’t read her at all. She could be thinking about anything right now. Maybe she’s bored, thinking about what she’s going to eat for lunch? Maybe she’s remorseful? Thinking about the last time she hugged Travis. Maybe she feels guilty, thinking about how she pushed the knife deep inside his stomach. Who knows?
In that moment, Travis’s girlfriend quietly laughs which makes Jodi look at her, but my gaze stays fixed on Jodi. I’m still watching her when I see a slight shift in her expression. It kind of looks like jealousy. Then, I’m certain, she’s definitely jealous. But jealous of what? The perfect skin, hair and makeup Travis’s current girlfriend has, that she definitely doesn’t have, since I can see at least three pimples, a strand of frizzy hair she forgot to straighten in the morning, and a peck of smudged mascara under her eye. Or perhaps she’s jealous of the slight hint of affection between Josh and her? Like the tapping of their shoes in the same rhythm, or the way he brushes her hair off her shoulder, or the way he puts his hand over hers every time her eyes start to water? All of these things also start to pique my interest, but I’m not ready to let Jodi go right away.
Is there another reason she’s feeling jealous? Could it be that she’s thinking about her and Travis? Imagining them together and feeling such unimaginable jealousy to the point she can’t bear him being with anyone else? To the point she kills him? But then she starts turning her head towards me, so I start paying attention to the "couple” again. The way Josh is looking at Jannette is most definitely not platonic. You can only see that kind of yearning in someone who has been harbouring their love for a really long time. But could that love be reason enough to kill your best friend? Could he really feel helpless enough to the point where the only answer is to get Travis out of the way?
The sound of clicking heels startles me and when I look around I see people getting up and forming a line towards the casket. I guess this is one of those old fashioned funerals where you say your final goodbye directly to the deceased. I stay in the corner, because I don’t think it would be appropriate for me to go up there as well. Just when I’m about to stand up and leave, since the main part is over, I hear a startled scream, and then a bunch of shocked gasps, coming from the people standing around the casket.
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